Liz and Dick
To say Liz and Dick lived up to expectations, or crapspectations, would be a falsehood. I honestly thought Lifetime would give us more hysteria, dysfunction, and screaming drunken fights. We all know La Loca Lohan is no stranger to these things, so why not tap into that potential? The fights I witnessed seemed to center around Dick calling Liz fat and were over in 2.5 seconds at the mention of "diiiiiiiiiiiiaaamonds." I don't understand the point of portraying them as a childish yet tepid couple with the chemistry of two bullfrogs on a frozen pond.
However, you haven't lived until you've witnessed Lindsay Lohan in a god-awful "middle aged Liz" wig breaking down in heaving sobs at Dick's grave.
Liz and Dick also narrated the thing, "Inside the Actor's Studio" style, sitting in director's chairs sporting black turtle necks. Are these supposed to be their overly pretentious ghosts? Or am I just missing the artsy point?
And what mom can't relate to a perfectly coiffed Liz lying on a lounge chair as her children play around her while on a break from filming, downing cocktails and screaming, "I'M SO BORED!"? Definitely a contender for the most clumsy and awkward scene in Lifetime history.
I will say the movie nailed Liz's outfits. They were truly fabulous, but I am someone who has slugged through a couple exceptionally hellish seasons of "Gossip Girl" for the clothes alone. Liz's makeup, not so much. It looked like it was applied by a blind drag queen and I found it distracting. Also distracting: Lindsay's face. 'Twas as bloated as St. Nick's belly full of Christmas cookies.
I give this film 3 Lifetime stars with a bonus star added for the clothes. This film teetered too dangerously on the edge of bad bad instead of hilarious bad for my liking.
Fatal Vows: The Alexandra O'Hara Story
Truth be told I had to fire up the ol' Google to remind myself what the name of this movie was, because the only impression it left on me is that John effing Stamos is in it.
That's right, John Stamos, who will go down in history as the hottest TV uncle who ever lived. When he first meets Alexandra and offers to give her a ride, I asked Caveman if he would ever randomly get in the car with John Stamos. His response: "Yes, I would get in the car with John Stamos even if he was covered in blood, holding an axe and sitting in his own crap." I mean, wouldn't we all?
So Alexandra O'Hara marries Stamos not realizing he is a psychotic serial killer who will go on to brutally burn her four-year-old son. For nonsensical Lifetime reasons I can't really comprehend, she loses custody of him and stays married to Stamos for the rest of the movie. I think it's either because of John Stamos' hypnotic sparkling eyes or because there are no actual mothers on Lifetime's staff. Or perhaps she is just staying true to her Fatal Vows that aren't really fatal for any of the main characters.
One of the best scenes in the entire film is the custody hearing where John Stamos angrily sharpens a pencil with an evil look on his face. I might have to find it on Youtube and watch it once a day for the rest of my life.
Finally the cops put it together that a bunch of girls are getting murdered, and they all happen to be acquaintances of John Stamos. He continues to evade the law until Alexandra agrees to wear a wire and gets him to confess to murdering them. By the way, he makes this confession after his own deathbed-ridden father tries to make out with him in a true WTL (What The Lifetime) moment. I know the urge to make out with John Stamos is just a basic function of humanity, much like drinking water, breathing or using the bathroom. That doesn't mean we always need to act upon it. Have some decency, Lifetime.
John Stamos has earned this film all four of the five Lifetime stars I am bestowing upon it, withholding one star for all the scenes he isn't in. It is truly a magic carpet ride to crappy TV movie Valhalla.
Lizzie Borden Took an Ax
This movie was too good to be a Lifetime movie. I'm not saying it was "good" mind you - I'm just saying it was too good for Lifetime. Other than some extremely repetitive scenes and the insinuation of a creepy and gross father/daughter relationship, it bore no markers of the typical Lifetime dung heap.
I'd like to think this is because of the movie's star, Christina Ricci. I have had a raging girl crush on Christina Ricci since the beginning of time.
I think she is beautiful, talented and kinda weird; my perfect girl crush combo. I was actually saddened to see she would be gracing the putrid Lifetime stage. Surely her sparkly star could not have plummeted that far. But she was good...I daresay she was even great. I DARESAY she is the greatest thing to happen to Lifetime since John "I Love Greek Yogurt" Stamos.
The movie is based on the true story of Lizzie Borden, a young woman who was tried for killing her parents with an ax in the olden days. No one really knows exactly what went down, so Lifetime did not have a lot to work with...thus the repetitive scenes of Lizzie hacking away at her elderly parents, because, hey, it could have happened. The audience is treated to no less than 12 gratuitous shots of her father's chopped up face. The audience is also treated to a lot of Ricci's patented wide-eyed "crazy face," which honestly just makes you fall in love with her all over again.
The courtroom scenes were actually well-paced, decently acted and engaging. Christina was able to deftly carry this film with no typical excruciating Lifetime awkwardness, which means only one thing: YOU ARE WAY TOO GOOD FOR LIFETIME, CHRISTINA. NEVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN! Leave these movies to the Tori Spellings of the world.
I can't even rate this film on the typical Lifetime scale because it does not fit the mold. I am actually having a mild panic attack thinking Lifetime movies might be turning a corner and moving away from the terrible yet glorious monstrosities they have always been, thus sucking all the purpose out of my life and this blog. Come on, Lifetime, don't do this to me. Just call up Shannen Doherty or Leann Rimes or Elizabeth Berkley or Cher or ANYONE, slap together a terrible script, either fictional or "based on true events," and get back to the crap you are famous for. This is unacceptable.
I am one of the few uncultured buffoons who has never read this book, so I was going into this nightmare pretty uninformed. I can sum it up in about three words:
Ugh.
Gross.
Ew.
I expected the "keep it in the family" romance, one of Lifetime's absolute favorite themes, because that's "television for women" for ya (apparently). I did not anticipate the incredibly stiff, painful, awkward acting, Heather Graham's bug-eyed, deranged performance or Sally Draper's career nosedive from "Mad Men" to a Lifetime Movie.
The beginning of this film was so painfully "acted" and paced that I felt like I was watching terrible community theater. And I've seen some terrible community theater, okerr? I was literally squirming and shoving cookie dough ice cream into my face as fast as I could to somehow speed up time. Once the kids got stuffed into the attic it improved slightly.
As per usual, Lifetime completely gave up on the last 30 minutes of the movie. Maybe Heather Graham had to hurry up and get to the set of "Boogie Nights 2." I'd give a spoiler warning, but this film deserves no such thing. So, we find out the kids have been poisoned just before making their big escape. Poisoned by donuts their dear mom gave them days? months? ago. And it's just now kicking in? So they're battling their evil grandma while coughing and looking ill. Then they escape and get on a train to Florida, and Sally Draper makes some voice over comment about having their futures ahead of them. Um, what happened to you all getting POISONED? And shouldn't you maybe be going to a hospital instead of Florida? I really have no idea how viewers were expected to fill in that gaping chasm of a plot hole. But kudos to Lifetime for putting the creative license in their audience's hands.
One Lifetime star, given for some of Heather Graham's awesome clothes. Otherwise it was a total abomination.
LMR: Betrayed at 17
Lifetime's "Betrayed at 17" starred that gal from Baywatch who had a manly haircut. Thankfully she grew it out over the years. This took me by surprise because I thought it would actually star the girl who got betrayed at 17, but she was killed off in the first half hour. Whoops, spoiler alert.
The betrayal occurred when a jock bet his friend he could sleep with this typical "innocent yet desperate to fit in" girl on the first date, and then he filmed them doing the deed to prove his success and win 50 whole dollars. His mean girl ex-girlfriend proceeded to send the video out to the entire school because she is just that jelly. When the betrayed teen realizes this at a party, she bolts into the street in humiliation and gets hit by a car, wearing the ugly boots her mom just bought her for her birthday. Her mother, the mannish chick from Baywatch, spends the rest of the movie on a quest for justice with her wayward, pill-poppin' son.
The jock is of course blamed for sending out the video as his ex-girlfriend does everything she can to frame him. Lifetime succeeded in making me truly hate her and her fabulous hair. But things got a little weird when she confronted her ex-boyfriend at gunpoint, "accidentally" shot him, then tried to frame pill-popper for that crime. She might be the most insidious mean girl who ever lived!
I was hoping to see her end up in jail with her head shaved, but other than a climactic meltdown where she threatens suicide after being found out, we don't see what becomes of her. Disappointing, Lifetime! For that the movie is docked two stars, leaving it with a total of 3. Hilarious awkward acting and over the top drama plagued by typical Lifetime filler of boring pointless scenes. Might be worth your time if you have some to waste.
Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy
I finally got around to watching "Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy." First of all, this title looks like it was crappily translated from Italian. I mean, does it make sense to you or have I just been lobotomized by motherhood? Shouldn't it be "Amanda Knox: Murder Trial in Italy" or "Amanda Knox: Trial in Italy" or some other variation? Whatever. This movie starred Hayden P. You know who I'm talking about, I can't spell her last name. Just google Hayden P. if you are unsure. It also featured repetitive scenes of a guy taking a dump. True story. I've actually read up on this case, and I know some mysterious crap in a toilet really was a clue in the investigation, but come on, Lifetime. I'm thinking the dump could have been implied. Anyway.
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mylifetime.com. Sorry, could not find a photo of the guy on the toilet.
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The movie was, of course, as vague and botched as the real-life murder investigation as we are treated to the multiple scenarios detailing what "could have" happened. So thanks for the added insight, Lifetime. I'm sure Hayden P. had a difficult time acting "possibly guilty but possibly just thrown under the bus by the Italian prosecutor." I'll give her props for doing the best she could. Of course the friction between "Hayden as Amanda" and her murdered roommate Meredith was established in the clunkiest of Lifetime ways; Meredith randomly and awkwardly calls her out on her lack of cleanliness, a conflict that is resolved in approximately 3.5 seconds. I smell a motive....not.
This movie gets 2 Lifetime stars for being watchable but not especially entertaining. It didn't have the typical Lifetime qualities of "so awful it's hilarious" or "so awful I wish I was blind and deaf" and was just a tepid TV movie strung together from news reports that we've already heard. Not really sure why the seemingly successful Hayden P. was in it, but stranger things have happened.
LMR: "Justice for Natalee"
I think a more appropriate title for this little endeavor would be "Battle of the Vanishing Phony Accents" or "Pursuit of Van der Sloot" as I did not see a whole lot of justice for Natalee going down. It was truly a face-off between Beth Holloway's outrage-fueled southern drawl (a whole lot of "I'm not leaving here without AYAN-SWERS!") and Joran's mumbling, indistinguishable, Euro-infused speech. I would expect a little more gusto and personality from a young killer/human trafficker; however the actor did nail the "dead behind the eyes" sociopath look. Not sure if this was intentional or just his amazing dearth of talent.
This film employed some edgy touches, such as a split screen showing simultaneous plot developments and extended scenes of Mr. Sloot in a dingy Thai nightclub with a laughable techno soundtrack. The Beth Holloway actress turned in a barftastic performance as a "strong woman demanding justice" with fab hair and negative 10 percent body fat. But she also revealed a softer side as shown in her tender interactions with her son and ex-husband. (Seriously, who cares? More of Joran's thousand-yard stare, please).
The movie culminated in a face-to-face confrontation between Beth and Joran after he was arrested for murdering Stefany Flores. I was waiting for some sick Lifetime twist, such as Beth busting Joran out of jail and the two of them eloping, or Beth announcing she was pregnant with Joran's child. Alas, there was none; just a complete dud of a climax where Beth demands THE TRUTH and Joran responds with a powerful, "Um...I can tell...you...you are a good person...Um, I will write you...a letter....telling you...what happened..." Beth proceeds to give him her email address, then call him ugly. Huh?
The highlight of the movie for me was just before this scene as Beth prepared for her jailhouse smack down with the elusive Dutch Sloot. "I want to rip the skin off his face!" she declared. I wish she actually had as it might have forced her fellow actor to emote, but kudos to whatever Lifetime writer came up with that gem.
I'll give this film 3 Lifetime stars for the terrible accents, painfully one-note leading lady, and hilarious attempts to be cutting edge.
LMR: "William & Kate"
This chemistry-free romance can be summed up as a bunch of tabloid news stories strung together to form some semblance of a "based on a true story" film. I guess there are movies that have been made with less, and I'm sure most of them can be found on Lifetime. My friend Mr. G was kind enough to provide some of his own feedback on this British-accented pile of crap:
"I guess when you're trying to produce a movie in mere weeks, there's not much time available for research. And who knew Kate was so into solar power? She seems so secure in herself, well-grounded, and worldly while Wills, meanwhile, is a self-centered, head-in-the-clouds pansy resigned to the royal drudgery of...constantly changing clothes? One must wonder what would have become of William had Kate not incessantly nagged him (in seemingly every one of their conversations) throughout the first half of the movie to 'follow his dreams.'"
Oh yes, Kate nagging the wooden William to blaze his own boring trail gave us plenty of earnestly delivered lines landing with clunks deafening enough to be heard all the way across the pond. Then viewers were gagged on countless heaping helpings of "Kate the Commoner" not fitting into Will's regal world. Blah blah blah, proposal in fake-looking Africa, the end.
At one point I commented to Caveman how much better the movie would be if former addict/certified nut job Russell Brand was cast as William, or at least his red-headed rogue brother, Harry. He responded with a string of possible Brand-worthy lines complete with a pitch-perfect accent that a classy broad such as myself can't repeat in her blog.
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collider.com
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I give this film 2 Lifetime Stars because while the production was crappy, it was not as bad as, say, "The Tracy Thurman Story" which looked like it was filmed with a camcorder. It also did not have a mustachioed bad guy. So it just wasn't quite as entertaining.
LMR: "A Cry for Help: The Tracy Thurman Story"
I know, I know, you were all expecting a big review of Lifetime's new William and Kate movie and are asking yourselves, "Who the heck is Tracy Thurman?" Well fear not, readers, because Kate and Wills are currently marinating in my DVR. Caveman has actually insisted on watching that one with me since its craptastic reputation has proceeded itself, so I have to wait for his schedule to allow. We're planning a viewing within the next couple days.
Re: "The Tracy Thurman Story" (based on a true story)....only Lifetime could turn the very serious and sad issue of spousal abuse into a caricature of itself. Let's start with the abuser named Buck *snort* who has an impenetrable 'stache of steel and wears western-style shirts interwoven with sparkling thread. Buck enjoys playing poker games in sleazy hotel rooms and going from zero to high-pitched, monkey-shrieking rage when he feels dissed. But he gets the best lines. Examples: "I HATE IT WHEN WOMEN MAKE FUN OF MEEEE!" and "MY MOM STABBED ME IN THE HAND ONCE. DID YOU KNOW THAT??!"
Taking Tracy on their first date to an aforementioned sleazy hotel room poker game probably should have been her first warning sign, but somehow she is charmed. She even shares with Buck an extremely weird flashback where her ancient mother (seriously, a woman who looks like she gave birth to Tracy around age 75) tells her to find a good man. Or something. So Tracy is all, "That's yooooouuu my darling Buck," as the moon hits her eye like a big pizza pie.
Well the relationship goes downhill pretty fast from there, a dramatic departure from the usual slow burn of other domestic abuse stories. I'm talking Tracy telling Buck she's pregnant and immediately getting punched in the face and stomach. His tears and apology convince her to give ol' Buck another shot (really? Is there another shot after that?) and she marries him. Of course, the abuse continues and the rest of the movie chronicles Tracy's attempts to escape her lunatic husband and the police being perpetually worthless when she tries to get help.
I won't spoil the climax for you, but it involves a lot of screaming, blood, stabbing, toddler-snatching, and people standing around awkwardly specifically NOT helping Tracy as Buck does his best to kill her. After all that we're rewarded with an extended boring courtroom scene full of "acting" as Tracy sues the pants off the wet noodle cops.
This movie gets 2.5 Lifetime Stars for providing a few guffaws from the terrible acting and Buck's general over-the-top insanity. Can Will and Kate capture the coveted 5 Lifetime Star sweep? Stay tuned!
Lifetime Movie Review: "Stranger In My Home"
This little wonder just about made my eyeballs bleed. The quality of the film matches the quality of the poster file uploaded to its IMDB page. Not good.
You can't tell from the minuscule poster, but there's another hair issue here. Throughout the movie our leading lady, a successful attorney, rocked a severe middle part with hair hanging limply on either side of her face. Granted, this was made in 1997 (although I would have guessed 1985 from the boxy pant suits and vomit-inducing interior design), but I expected more from the protagonist's 'do; at least a professional side part with a nice frontal swoop or a french twist. I was actually pleased to see a fellow IMDB reviewer had come to the same conclusion:
"Wish she'd get another hair do. Her hair is jet black and hangs straight down her face making her look like Vampira. Not attractive. A little long in the tooth for such long hair."
I wish I could say hair was this film's biggest problem, but I'd be sorely mistaken. The entire production reeked of, "Let's just get this over with." A shady drifter (who does magic tricks at bus stops) encounters a man going to visit his long lost wealthy sister who he was taken away from early in life (the reason for this was never explained, or else I passed out from boredom during a "critical" moment). The drifter befriends him, then kills him in the bathroom of a Mexican restaurant. He steals the super special watch or whatever that contains a picture of the man and his sister as children. Somehow he gets arrested for his crime and the sister is called in to defend him. Then she's all like, "Wow, you have that picture, YOU are my long lost brother!" Somehow she gets him off the hook with the judge by saying, "You aren't going to believe this, but this is MY BROTHER, and I believe in him." Uh, ok, I suppose it's always just that easy.
I think you can guess what happens next; the drifter moves in and systematically destroys her life, kills her co-worker, does some more creepy magic tricks, and turns her son against her boyfriend in a truly hilarious moment: "You know Johnny (or something), sometimes new stepfathers don't really like having a kid around and they want to get rid of them." All of this in an attempt to eventually kill the attorney and get the money from her will. I think robbing a bank would have been a lot easier and less annoying. But then we wouldn't have gotten this moment that was just so "Lifetime:" the fake brother sitting by his sister on her bed and hugging her for juuuuuuust a little too long. EW! SQUIRM!
This film gets 1.5 Lifetime Stars for being a complete abomination that was actually difficult to get through, even in my state of being confined to the couch with the option of watching it or staring at the ceiling. The terrible outfits and decor gave it some redemption, but a Celine Dion concert would have been more entertaining.
The Craigslist Killer
I'll be up front with you and admit I missed the first 20 minutes of this "True Story Thursday" special, but I caught on to the plot pretty quickly since it happened in real life. Boston medical student is meeting escorts through Craigslist to brutalize and rob them in hotel rooms while his clueless fiancee plans their wedding. He collects their undies and puts them under the mattress he shares with his bride-to-be. He ends up killing one of them so Billy Baldwin jumps on the case. Baldwin's Boston accent comes and goes throughout the film, much like my attention span during the investigation. The killer's fiancee has giant teeth and a blonde dye job I just couldn't get behind. I experienced some schadenfreude as she blissfully tried on ugly wedding dresses and shrieked about how in love she was as her groom bought escort-killing supplies at Home Depot. Which brings me to my favorite scene in the film and the highlight of the leading man's markedly unmemorable performance.
While shopping for his tools, Craigslist Killer asks an employee, "Are these those cell phones that are untraceable?" so the stupid viewing public thinks to themselves "OMG he is buying those untraceable cell phones! I bet this clean-cut young man is up to something untoward!" Then as the female cashier proceeds to ring up approximately 150 of the evil phones along with duct tape and tie downs, she remarks to the handsome killer, "You can put my number in your phones anytime." REALLY? You say this to someone buying an obvious murder kit?
All in all, this film gets three out of five Lifetime Stars because it gave Caveman and me a good laugh during a stressful time. I say "Lifetime Stars" because you can't rate an atrocious Lifetime movie on a regular star system. Five Lifetime Stars mean "so terrible I laughed till I cried" and one star means "I'd rather have a lobotomy."
Mother May I Sleep With Danger
Oh friends. I know you have all been waiting with baited breath for this classic. You aren't a true Lifetimer until you've endured this one, complete with Tori Spelling's terminal frumpiness and the greatest movie title of. all. time.
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Well? May I?
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This film starts out establishing that Ivan Sergei and his giant lips are bad news! Very bad! He kills the girl he is obsessed with within the first 20 minutes by beating her with a cutting board. Fade to the present day, and we are introduced to Tori Spelling being smart and having both awful hair and an eating disorder in college. But guess what, Mom, she has a hot, mysterious new boyfriend coming over for dinner, and it's none other than EVIL IVAN SERGEI AND HIS GIANT LIPS!
Tori's khaki pants-wearing mom is struggling not to meddle in her daughter's fragile, aerobics-crazed life, but something just isn't right about this boy. Ivan, of course, begins to exhibit classic psychopathic boyfriend behavior by isolating Tori from everyone in her life, encouraging her to get a hairdo exactly like his previous victim's, and murdering the guy whose identity he stole. He buys a cabin in the woods for them to live in with no phone, away from the rest of the world, yet Tori still drives into town to go to college. When Tori starts to realize he is completely cray-cray, she just packs up her stuff (including a CUTTING BOARD!) and tries to leave.
I started to think Lifetime had hoodwinked me, because the synopsis on the guide promised a hostage situation in the woods. Don't be too quick to judge, people. Ivan convinces her to toast to the "good times" one last time, drugs her and brings her from their cabin to Tori's mom's cabin. Huh? You already had a perfectly good cabin, you freakin' idiot! (insert Jersey accent).
Tori's attempts to escape include knocking him unconscious outside, then running back and locking herself INSIDE (durrrr) and then paddling away from him on a boat in a lake that looks waist-deep. I won't spoil it for you, but seeing Tori Spelling's flailing ridiculous boat paddling skills alone gives this film the coveted five Lifetime stars. It has all the raw Lifetime materials of vigorous overacting, a mom demanding justice, and Tori Spelling's horrific screen presence. Just watch it after several glasses of vino; you won't be disappointed.
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